“Put your own mask on before assisting others.” We’ve all heard the warning during airplane safety lectures. But that applies to many more places and situations than just airplanes in trouble. One of the greatest reasons for caregiver feelings of overwhelm is caregivers who are so focused on helping those who need them, that they forget to help themselves. Here are some simple ways to focus on you and eliminate caregiver overwhelm.
Take a Day Off
My father is my mother’s primary caregiver. He cared for her 24/7, and the stress was beginning to wear on him. Then he convinced her to give him a day off. Every Thursday, she goes to an elder care day program. That gives him an entire day to devote to his needs — meeting friends for lunch, running personal errands, or just catching up on his work. He is more attentive to her needs for the rest of the week, because his needs are being met.
From a psychological perspective, this works because it allows caregivers to continue to frame their service as a gift. One day a week during which they focus on themselves and their needs is enough to prevent the feeling that everything they do is an entitlement. The technical term for this service is “respite care”. If the person is mobile and alert, they can go to a location, such as the elder care day program my mother uses. For seriously ill or non-responsive people, services can send someone to your home.
Set Clear Boundaries
Another similar way of strengthening your psychological sense of self is to set clear boundaries. For what sorts of situations are people allowed to ask for your help? “I need help walking to the bathroom” is more of a clear and present danger than “I’m bored. What should I do?” If you allow the person you’re caring for to turn to you for everything, they will. It is similar to the known problem in the work world of “scope creep”, where anything kind of similar to something already included in a project also gets included. Yesterday, you helped me find my shoes. So today, you will help me put on my shoes, and tomorrow you will help me put on my socks.
Allowing scope creep can lead to resentment. It can also lead to diminished capabilities in the person or people you’re caring for. Consider all of the people in their 20s who are now taking classes in “adulting” because their parents did everything for them. They have no idea how to shop for groceries, cook from scratch, or perform basic household maintenance.
Obviously, you need to use some common sense about this. If someone regularly misplaces their cane or glasses, they’ll keep doing it so long as you find the missing items for them. Normally, they should do that, or you’ll end up spending your whole day looking for their stuff. But if you’re leaving to go to a doctor’s appointment, you can make an exception in the interests of time. Even better would be starting the leave taking process earlier for future appointments.
Other Ways to Eliminate Caregiver Overwhelm
Caregiver overwhelm is also known as caregiver burnout. All of the major medical websites have advice on how to prevent it. The advice given by WebMD bears a striking resemblance to the first part of the ROAR process.
- Reach Out to someone you trust, such as a friend, member of the clergy, or social worker
- Feel Your Feelings and know they don’t make you a bad person or bad caregiver
- Reach Out to a support group
- Find the Good and play up the positive
In other words, take the appropriate steps to calm your mind and go from fear to problem solving. You’ll be a lot less stressed by the caregiving process. And you won’t be as easily overwhelmed.
